God Damn

It's funny how things work out. How stuff just, transpires, and how events come together in ways you never could have even believed.

I almost feel like there is a reason that my life is being led in the directions it is, that there are higher stakes to my present that won't make sense until a long way into the future.

Alright, so, long story short:

I fall in love (slowly) over about 6 months with this girl, and tell her, and she says the same thing. She cheats on me (uh, sort of...we weren't together, but had the aforementioned feelings...and she slept with another guy who she didn't care about, and knew I hated 4 times, so I think it's close. Hurt as bad, I know that.), and doesn't tell me about it until about 4 months after we've been in love. From there, things are in a downward spiral; nothing but arguments for 5 months, when she tells me I'm not even her best friend anymore. 3 months after this, she completely cuts me out of her life. About 2 months after this, someone who I trust tells me that this girl was aggressively seeking sexual relationships with other men because she needed to feel in-control, and suddenly all the pieces clicked into place. No more depression for me, no more guilt (she blamed me for the destruction of our relationship), no more remorse.

She's found someone else now, and she's living with them. If you want to know the truth, I'm happy for her, but I hope, more than anything, that she's true to him. For some reason I'd feel responsible if she wasn't true to him.

Maybe this lurking feeling of indirect responsibility will have its own resolution in the near future, or just sputter out and die, the last sparking ember of a relationship's funeral pyre kicked out by the steel-toed boot of untruth.

I never "did anything" with this girl. Extenuating circumstances prevented it when they had the opportunity. I know I'd regret it if we had. Maybe the stuff I described is the reason that fate transpired against us doing it, but I do not know.

Edit: I learned that she went around telling people we did...stuff. That's really low.