God Damn

It's funny how things work out. How stuff just, transpires, and how events come together in ways you never could have even believed.

I almost feel like there is a reason that my life is being led in the directions it is, that there are higher stakes to my present that won't make sense until a long way into the future.

Alright, so, long story short:

I fall in love (slowly) over about 6 months with this girl, and tell her, and she says the same thing. She cheats on me (uh, sort of...we weren't together, but had the aforementioned feelings...and she slept with another guy who she didn't care about, and knew I hated 4 times, so I think it's close. Hurt as bad, I know that.), and doesn't tell me about it until about 4 months after we've been in love. From there, things are in a downward spiral; nothing but arguments for 5 months, when she tells me I'm not even her best friend anymore. 3 months after this, she completely cuts me out of her life. About 2 months after this, someone who I trust tells me that this girl was aggressively seeking sexual relationships with other men because she needed to feel in-control, and suddenly all the pieces clicked into place. No more depression for me, no more guilt (she blamed me for the destruction of our relationship), no more remorse.

She's found someone else now, and she's living with them. If you want to know the truth, I'm happy for her, but I hope, more than anything, that she's true to him. For some reason I'd feel responsible if she wasn't true to him.

Maybe this lurking feeling of indirect responsibility will have its own resolution in the near future, or just sputter out and die, the last sparking ember of a relationship's funeral pyre kicked out by the steel-toed boot of untruth.

I never "did anything" with this girl. Extenuating circumstances prevented it when they had the opportunity. I know I'd regret it if we had. Maybe the stuff I described is the reason that fate transpired against us doing it, but I do not know.

Edit: I learned that she went around telling people we did...stuff. That's really low.

Concerts

I just know I'm gonna lose my hearing at an early age.

So, concerts I've been to, in chronological order:

Skynyrd at Rupp Arena (With Wesley)
Rolling Stones at Soldier Field, Chicago (With Chris)
Rolling Stones at Churchill Downs (With Dad and Paul)
Aerosmith and Motley Crue (With Chris, Dolan, Emily, and Matt)

I plan to go to more, including Dream Theater and Metallica (eventually), and Wesley and I are already making plans to see Bob Seger on the 12th of December at Freedom Hall. Even though it'll be awesome...I fear for my hearing. Indoor concerts kill.

What Matters

The various opinions of various acquaintances about me mean way too much to me, and that's something I hope to rid myself of eventually. Ironically, their opinions about me tend to be high.

Shit, maybe it isn't opinions that I care about at all...maybe it's just praise. I mean, people tell me I'm level-headed, kind, intelligent, a skilled writer, and yet I can't manage to make that matter to anyone except me. I don't want praise, I want acceptance.

For goodness sake, I want to be needed. That's so pathetic, but it makes so much sense when I think about it. Despite all of the "live for myself" crap that I feed myself 24/7, I really live for acceptance -- love, maybe. And that love -- true and undying love -- seems to be the thing that eludes me, more than anything else.

The Vice on my Sanity

Alright, something new.

My fears. First among them is that one day I'll be stupid. I could not possibly put into words the degree to which I fear losing my intelligence.

What causes this fear, you ask? Stupid fucking adults. Tons of them, EVERYWHERE!

I not only don't want to be one, I don't want to be anything like one in any respect. I could never live with myself for having a shitty 8-hour job. I put more pressure on myself than anyone else I know, because I expect more from myself than I do from anyone else around me.

The thing that amazes me is how much people expect from me. I don't feel like I show my intelligence very much, but people are always setting the bar incredibly high. Not that I don't meet it, but it just begs the question: How do they know I can even approach that kind of achievement?

Anyway, I hate doing this at the risk of sounding cocky or elitist, so I'll sign off now.

EDIT: It's almost embarrassing to read this, now. No humility at all. I could have used a good cuffing.

Stand and Deliver

Well, for the sake of getting all of this "on the record", as it were, I've decided to put my philosophies here.

First off: I believe that everyone should have the right to challenge anything and everything anyone and everyone says at any point they choose. I'm sick of people skirting the issues, and deciding to ignore the inherent fallacies in their beliefs. No more, goddamnit. It makes me sick that people can be so wrong, and know it, but never be willing to admit it, and yet noone calls them on it. I guess that's partially why I'm on the debate team; calling people on their bullshit.

I suppose that's it for now, as far as philosophies go. There'll probably be an abnormal amount of posts on my part today, since this is my first time doing this, and I have alot of "demons" to excise, as it were.

I'll also be putting up pieces I write here, so stay tuned kiddos.

Breaking it In

Well, at good old von Luck's urging, I decided to make a blog of my own aside from the one I keep for the purposes of showing off my writings related to the Star Wars Combine (http://www.swcombine.com).

That game has, by the way, taken over my life.

I'm headed to driving lessons now, I'll post more when I return.