To Live Forever

"If I started from the top,
And worked my way down...
There'd be no reason,
To live forever."

--Dream Theater

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly about politics, and guns, and my family, and my future, and everything in general.

And then I got on 4chan, and saw this girl looking for somewhere to live, because her father got arrested for possessing crack.

Now, I don't fucking care about anything I've thought before.

It's like, I worry myself half to death, thinking logically and methodically, and all I really want to do is let go, put it all behind me. Just leave.

Why can't I do that?

Am I some kind of fucking coward? I've always told myself that when it really came down to it, I'd be brave, I'd stand up for what I believe in.

But I could just leave, right now, start my own life, make it on my own. Today could be the day that I exercise all my supposed courage. Yet I don't. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I hate this life. I hate suburbia, I hate being provided for, I hate being in the upper middle-class, I hate living in a society built on apathy, and I hate being self-aware of all of this. Sometimes, I think that my final painting will be my own brains, across a wall somewhere. I just don't want any of this, and yet I have no choice but to accept.

I wish life was as easy as it is in "American Gods". It's not.

I wish that it was possible to just drop everything and go into the woods, to live simply, like Thoreau. It's not.

I wish that the people around me would have the guts to own up to their share of responsibility in the disaster this world has become, instead of just shaking their heads and blaming others. They won't.

More than anything, I wish I could make all of this happen. I wish any of this was even possible. It's not.

Is that why people write books? Is that why I want to be a writer? To live a life that's not even possible? Shit.

No.

I will end my life before accepting that my life can't be anything and everything that I want it to be.

And I would rather it be over than be willing to accept that I "need" someone else in my life to validate its existence. I do not. I do not need to be understood, loved, or appreciated, because physically speaking, without these things, I will not die. And I will not change.

And by a practically opposite note from my blatant and idiotic romanticism: people need to be more responsible. They see the infomercials about the people whose human rights are trampled on by the companies that bring Americans their shoes, yet still they buy them. It's such bullshit.

Ignorance isn't bliss. People can't even feign ignorance anymore. Not having to take accountability -- THAT is bliss. Anonymity is bliss.

If I ran this country, that'd just be tough shit. Responsibility comes before any kind of feigned ignorance, regardless of what anyone says. And companies who don't respect human rights can get the hell out. I refuse to purchase anything from them on a personal level, and I don't think anyone in this country, in good conscience, should be capable of purchasing something made in a sweatshop.

No wonder everyone hates us.

I just remembered a quote from Nietzsche: "In an avalanche, no snowflake feels responsible." God, if that isn't the truth today, I don't know what is.

We're all riding an avalanche, straight into hell.


I just hope to God that I have the time to purchase a rifle or two, and get proficient in their use, before it comes.